Chuck Erudon!

SrFluffers wrote:

Fire Bolt! doesn't just happen, Ronan makes it happen

If you have five dollars and Ronan has five dollars, Ronan has more money than you.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Ronan's computer. Ronan is always in control.

Apple pays Ronan 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Ronan can sneeze with his eyes open.

Ronan can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Ronan can kill two stones with one bird.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Ronan.

Ronan doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Guns don't kill people. Ronan kills People.

The chief export of Ronan is Pain.

Ronan has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Ronan 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.

Ronan doesn't go hunting.... RONAN GOES KILLING.

Ronan uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

Ronan once Divine Slammed someone so hard that his sword broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Crop circles are Ronan's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Ronan is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Ronan out. It failed miserably.

Contrary to popular belief, Ronan, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Ronan has 72... and they're all poisonous.

If you ask Ronan what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he Divine Slams you in the face.

When Ronan sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Ronan has not had to pay taxes, ever.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Ronan's Sword.

Ronan invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

CNN was originally created as the "Ronan Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot Divine Slammings in real-time.

Ronan can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

What was going through the minds of all of Ronan's victims before they died? His Sword.

Ronan is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Police label anyone attacking Ronan as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

Ronan doesn't churn butter. He divine slams the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Ronan doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Ronan and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

If you spell Ronan in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Ronan originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a divine slam. When asked about this "glitch," Ronan replied, "That's no glitch."

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Ronan once and he will divine slam you in the face.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Ronan played in second grade.

Ronan once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Ronan once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Ronan re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Someone once tried to tell Ronan that divine slams aren't the best way to slash someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Ronan once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Ronan's warm-up exercises.

Ronan is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will divine slam you in the face.

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Ronan turned that wine into beer.

Ronan can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Ronan.

Ronan discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Ronan is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Ronan divine slammed him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

Ronan doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

The Ronan military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Ronan could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Ronan could use to kill you, including the room itself.

According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Ronan walks.

Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Ronan gave them a divine slam to the face.

When Ronan goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a sword and a bucket.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Ronan has breathed on.

Ronan was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of sword, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Ronan's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious divine slam related injuries.

Ronan sheds his skin twice a year.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Ronan has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Ronan.

Ronan does not sleep. He waits.

Ronan is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his Sword and Shield.

Ronan is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Ronan counted to infinity - infinity times.

There is no chin behind Ronan’s beard, if he ever grew one. There is only another Divine Slam.

When Ronan does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Ronan’s hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Ronan can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Ronan doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Ronan can slam a revolving door.

Ronan does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching Ronan preform Divine Slam.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Ronantorship.

The Roman's were not originally called the Roman's. They were oringinallycalled te Ronan's, bu when Ronan heard of this, he went back in time, and is the sole cause of the fallen Roman Empire.

The Times New Roman Text font was originally called Time New Ronan, but that's when computer programmers realized that nothing can be like Ronan, which only came after Ronan divine slammed them all to death, then revived them again.

Nothing is better than a Ronan Ultimate Edition Computer. The only reason it's not the open market today, is because no one is epically awesome enough to see it's specs and live.

Missed one:

Ronan has the ability to cure all disease on the planet with a single divine slam. However, upon doing so, he had to recreate the entire universe again because the universe could not handle the epically awesome power of his divine slam, and imploded upon itself.

Okay, that's my entire list